


Who has the best pick up lines?

by SorrowfulJoy



Category: South Park
Genre: kenny wants to fuck creek, kyle flirts with everyone, kyle gets all the boys worked up with his words, kyle is sexy and he knows it, please don't expect much from this fic, shitty pick up lines, so badly, texting fic, you wanted more so here it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-23 20:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13197951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorrowfulJoy/pseuds/SorrowfulJoy
Summary: Kenny and Cartman have a pick up lines texting war, the other boys join in and Kyle ends up giving everyone boners with his messages ;)Texting fic





	1. Sweet dreams boys ;)

 King_Cartman: Hey Kenny

Sexy_Beast: yeah?

King_Cartman: Bet you I know better pick up lines than you

Sexy_Beast: you’re on

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Seriously guys?

King_Cartman: Either join in or shut the fuck up jew

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Whatever, I’ve got homework to do

Sexy_Beast: nerd

King_Cartman: Right Kenny I’ll go first

King_Cartman: Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!

Sexy_Beast: hey baby, why don’t you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?

King_Cartman: You look ill. You must be suffering from a lack of vitamin ME

Sexy_Beast: do you like maths? ‘cause I want to add you to my life, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply

King_Cartman: Girl, are those space pants? ‘Cause your butt is out of this world.

Soccer_Star: Are you my pinky toe? Because tonight I’m gonna bang you on every surface in this house.

King_Cartman: Stan what the fuck?

Soccer_Star: What!? That was a good one!

Sexy_Beast: a rapey one more like

King_Cartman: Yeah Stan you’re shit at this

Soccer_Star: Fine fuck you guys

King_Cartman: Anywayyyyy

King_Cartman: You remind me of an overdue library book, ‘cause you got Fine written all over you

Sexy_Beast: did you sit in a pile of sugar? cause you have a pretty sweet ass.

King_Cartman: Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the ‘d’ cause you’ll get that later!

Sexy_Beast: are you a camera? because every time I look at you, I smile.

King_Cartman: My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!

Sexy_Beast: do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes.

Coffee_Kid: Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.

Space_Boy: If you were a vegetable you'd be a cute-cumber.

Coffee_Kid: Excuse me, is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!

Space_Boy: I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Coffee_Kid: If you were ground coffee, you'd be Espresso cause you're so fine.

Space_Boy: If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

King_Cartman: Can you two fuck off? This was a thing between me and Kenny, why don’t you fags go flirt somewhere else?

Space_Boy: Oh, so we’re fags but you two aren’t?

King_Cartman: Well duh, I have a girlfriend, of course I’m not a fag

Sexy_Beast: if there’s a hole and consent then I’ll fuck it

King_Cartman: Kenny you’re a whore

Sexy_Beast: you know it baby ;)

Sexy_Beast: hey craig, do you smoke pot? because weed be cute together

Space_Boy: Fuck off Kenny

Sexy_Beast: awww, come on baby I know you want some of this ;)

Coffee_Kid: U-uh

Sexy_Beast: oh hey tweek, I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Coffee_Kid: GAH TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

Soccer_Star: Damn, that was smooth Kenny

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Yeah, why are you two still doing this? Kenny is clearly so much better than you Cartman

King_Cartman: Oi fuck off jew, I’d like to see you do any better!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Oh really?

Soccer_Star: Oh no

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Hey Stan, you look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Soccer_Star: Leave me out of this!

King_Cartman: Pssh, Kenny, do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.

Sexy_Beast: come on cartman you can do better than that

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Kenny? If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by tomorrow morning.

Sexy_Beast: well shit, I need to go jack off now to that image, bye

King_Cartman: What the fuck Kenny?!?

Clyde_Rulez: cartman you have to admit that kyle is good at this

King_Cartman: How long have you been here?!? And fuck no he isn’t!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Hi Clyde, you look so familiar... didn't we take a class together? I could've sworn we had chemistry.

Clyde_Rulez: okay yup I need the toilet bye

Best_Bassist: Well damn.

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Token, I’m so glad you’re here. I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.

Best_Bassist: I’m gonna go get a drink.

King_Cartman: Kyle stop scaring all our friends away you stupid jew!

Soccer_Star: I don’t think he’s ‘scaring’ them away Cartman

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Ohhhh Stannnn

Soccer_Star: Kyle no!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Sexy_Beast: fuckkk cartman just admit that he wins

King_Cartman: NEVER!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Hey, Cartman? Are you a trampoline? Because I’d love to bounce up and down on you all day.

King_Cartman: ....Your dirty jew mind tricks won’t work on me Kyle

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Eric, you remind me of a twinkie. Every time I bite into you, you cream in my mouth.

King_Cartman: ….My mom is calling me gotta go

Space_Boy: Wow he even pulled out the first name.

Coffee_Kid: Well looks like he won

Sexy_Beast: thank fuck for that

Soccer_Star: I’m going to sleep now

Clyde_Rulez: Sure, ‘sleep’

Best_Bassist: Definitely going to ‘sleep’

Soccer_Star: Fuck off assholes!!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Sweet dreams boys ;) 


	2. Round two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys wanted more so here it is, round two!

King_Cartman: Right round two motherfuckers

Soccer_Star: Oh no

Sexy_Beast: bring it on baby

Space_Boy: Seriously? After your epic defeat last time at the hands of Kyle?

_King_Cartman has removed Space_Boy from the conversation_

King_Cartman: Douchebag

Best_Bassist: Dude.

_Coffee_Kid has added Craig Tucker to the conversation_

_Coffee_Kid set the nickname for Craig Tucker to Space_Boy_

Space_Boy: Asshole

Clyde_Rulez: yeah don’t be so salty cartman

Sexy_Beast: speaking of salty things

Sexy_Beast: craig would you ever consider a three-way? you, me and mary jane

Space_Boy: Fuck off

Sexy_Beast: aw come on, if you were a joint, I’d roll you over and lick you up and down

Space_Boy: Good thing I’m not a joint then.

King_Cartman: Kenny stop flirting with craig you faggot

Sexy_Beast: okay fine I’ll stop flirting with craig

Best_Bassist: Wow he gave up way too quickly.

Sexy_Beast: hey tweek, can you pass the coffee and sugar because you just made me cream in my pants

Best_Bassist: Knew it.

Coffee_Kid: U-uh u-uhm Craig help!

Space_Boy: Fuck this stupid competition, Tweek you want to come over?

Coffee_Kid: Wh-what right now?

Space_Boy: Yeah no-one else is home

Coffee_Kid: Okay

Sexy_Beast: can I come? ;)

Space_Boy: No.

Sexy_Beast: :’(

Clyde_Rulez: HA SHOT DOWN

Soccer_Star: #friendzoned

King_Cartman: So can you all stop being gay for like two seconds so we can actually do this shit and I can show I’m the best at pick up lines?

Sexy_Beast: well it looks like kyle isn’t online so you might actually win this time

King_Cartman: Fuck off Kenny it’s your turn poor boy

Sexy_Beast: I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

King_Cartman: Are you a campfire? Cause you're hot and I want s'more

Sexy_Beast: let me tie your shoes cause I don’t want you falling for anyone else

Soccer_Star: Do you live in a corn field, cause I'm stalking you.

Sexy_Beast: stan wtf again

Soccer_Star: Oh come on that was good!

King_Cartman: Dude just give up your shit at this

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You’re*

Clyde_Rulez: ooohhhhh

Best_Bassist: Burned

Soccer_Star: Kyle can you kick this douchebag’s ass again so he shuts the fuck up about these pick up lines?

King_Cartman: Fuck you jew and fuck you hippie! Besides he couldn’t beat me even if I was typing with my eyes closed

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Come on Cartman, you know what happened last time you challenged me

Sexy_Beast: yeah we all had to go jack off and stan had to go and ‘sleep’

Clyde_Rulez: ‘sleep’

Best_Bassist: Yeah ‘sleep’

Soccer_Star: Fuck off!

King_Cartman: Look jew, we doing this or not?

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Oh, you’re on fatass. You start.

Best_Bassist: I’m getting popcorn

Sexy_Beast: fuck the popcorn I’m getting lube

King_Cartman: Hey Kyle, there's something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Cartman, I'm trying to quit smoking, wanna give me a new oral fixation? 

King_Cartman: Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Are you a burger? Because I’d love for you to be the meat between my buns.

King_Cartman: Do you play soccer? Because your a keeper!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You’re*

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Learn how to spell fatass

King_Cartman: HA! YOU LOST!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: No I didn’t, I was just correcting your shitty spelling.

King_Cartman: You’re*

Best_Bassist: Oh Cartman.

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You’re* such an idiot. You’re = you are. Your = something that belongs to someone.

King_Cartman: Oh what you mean like how you belong to me jewboy?

Sexy_Beast: dude

Soccer_Star: That’s weird Cartman

Kyle_The_Elf_King: I don’t BELONG to anyone fatass! Least of all you! Fucking asshole.

King_Cartman: Oh, we’ll see about that Kahl, we’ll see about that

Kyle_The_Elf_King: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?

King_Cartman: Oh nothing nothing don’t worry about it Kahl

Kyle_The_Elf_King: I swear fatass if you’re planning something stupid I will come over to your house right now and kick your ass!

Sexy_Beast: well this got intense fast

Soccer_Star: Doesn’t it always with these two?

Sexy_Beast: well yeah but I was hoping it’d get intense in a more… fun way ;)

Soccer_Star: Dude you need to go get laid

Sexy_Beast: you offering stan? ;)

Soccer_Star: Fuck no! Jesus Kenny

Sexy_Beast: aw calm down stanny-boy I was just joking

Soccer_Star: …Were you though?

Sexy_Beast: no but I guess I can go and see what tweek and craig are up to ;)

Space_Boy: You come within ten feet of my house and I swear I’ll shoot you.

Sexy_Beast: oh baby you know how to get me excited ;)

Soccer_Star: Well you have fun getting murdered Kenny, I’m going to go check that Kyle hasn't gone over to Cartman’s to kill him yet

Best_Bassist: Hey Clyde, wanna come over and play video games since all our friends seem to be boning or fighting or both?

Clyde_Rulez: sure want me to bring snacks?

Best_Bassist: Yeah, as long as ‘snacks’ doesn’t mean Taco Bell

Clyde_Rulez: dammit token


	3. It's okay if you like the dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the boys chatting this round without the saucy pick up lines, I think a weird semi-plot is kinda forming here? I have no idea where this fic is going to be honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for a gory picture at the very beginning, it's special effects/makeup though so not a real wound

Sexy_Beast: 

Soccer_Star: Dude what the fuck is that a bullet wound?

Sexy_Beast: yup

Best_Bassist: Shit Craig did you actually shoot him?

Space_Boy: I don’t make empty threats.

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Are we sure Craig’s not a psychopath?

Space_Boy: Oh, sure Cartman can kill a kid’s parents and feed them to him but I’m the psychopath for shooting a trespasser?

King_Cartman: THAT WAS YEARS AGO!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Besides we all know Cartman’s a psycho

Soccer_Star: Yeah but Craig you’re like a secret psycho, that’s way worse

Clyde_Rulez: craigs not a psycho he cried at marley and me

Space_Boy: Clyde I hate you.

King_Cartman: PUUSSSSSAAAYYYYYY

Soccer_Star: Dude it’s a dog dying! Who wouldn’t cry?

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Cartman.

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Because he’s a psychopath.

King_Cartman: HEY!

Sexy_Beast: hey so no-one cares that I’ve been shot? :’(

Space_Boy: Oh shut up McCormick, Tweek’s literally bandaging you up right this second.

Best_Bassist: Wait you’re all in the same room?

Soccer_Star: After you shot him?

Space_Boy: Yeah well I was going to leave him in the garden but Tweek freaked out that I’d shot him and dragged him inside to, and I quote, ‘make sure that he doesn’t bleed to death in your garden because then the FBI will totally come and arrest you and I’ll be arrested too under association with a murderer’

Best_Bassist: Wow I actually read that in Tweek’s voice.

Clyde_Rulez: same that was creepy

Space_Boy: To be honest I wish I’d just ignored Tweek and left the fucker in the garden, he’s flirting with Tweek non-stop and I might just shoot him again to get him to shut up

Sexy_Beast: aw come on tucker you know you’re loving my moves too

King_Cartman: There’s so much gay in this chat I think I’m going to throw up my lunch

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Might wanna take your phone to the toilet then, you’ll be there a while fatass

King_Cartman: I swear I’m going to kill you jew

Sexy_Beast: we all know that’s a lie Cartman

Best_Bassist: Yeah it’s obvious you’re in love with Kyle

King_Cartman: I AM NOT

Kyle_The_Elf_King: WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!

Coffee_Kid: Yeah you two should just fuck already so we don’t have to deal with your arguing all the time

Soccer_Star: Woah was that actually Tweek who just sent that message?

Best_Bassist: He didn’t even freak out and press the same letter twice there’s no way

Clyde_Rulez: damnnnnnnnnnn tweek

Space_Boy: Babe I’m so proud

Sexy_Beast: so am I ;)

Space_Boy: I will shoot you again.

Coffee_Kid: No you won’t

Clyde_Rulez: maybe craig and kenny need to fuck their aggression out as well

Sexy_Beast: I’m down for that

_Cartman named the group Gays and their King Cartman_

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You do realise that name implies you’re the king of the gays, idiot.

Soccer_Star: I mean Cartman was the one who dressed as a girl all the time when we were kids and was obsessed with Kyle sucking his balls, so it makes sense that he’s the gayest of us all.

Best_Bassist: This is true.

Clyde_Rulez: besides me, token and stan are all straight

King_Cartman: I AM NOT GAY!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Someone’s a little defensive

Soccer_Star: That’s ‘cause he’s a closeted gay

King_Cartman: Seriously guys shut the fuck up

Best_Bassist: Cartman it’s okay if you like the dick.

Clyde_Rulez: we’re all here for you buddy

Soccer_Star: You can always talk to one of us

King_Cartman: I hate all of you, sleep with one eye open

Kyle_The_Elf_King: I’ve been sleeping with one eye open and one hand on the knife under my pillow for years now Cartman

Best_Bassist: Isn’t that a bit excessive?

Soccer_Star: When you’re Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman lives in the same neighbourhood as you? Nope.

Clyde_Rulez: ^^^

Clyde_Rulez: also has anyone else noticed how long tweek, craig and kenny have been offline for?

Best_Bassist: $20 that they’re fucking

Clyde_Rulez: you’re on


	4. Whose the daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a random chapter of filler shit, I think this fic will have at least seven chapters at this point, maybe more but I've got at least three more planned out :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has commented on this fic! It honestly means so much to see a new comment pop up and I do appreciate every single one of them! Thank you all so much for being so supportive! :D

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Guys, question, does throwing the other person’s controller across the room and then sitting on them with your fat ass count as cheating at Mario Kart?

Soccer_Star: Yes

Best_Bassist: Definitely

Clyde_Rulez: yeah

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Told you fatass! You cheated so I’m not being your fucking slave for a week

Soccer_Star: Dude…

King_Cartman: Fuck you Kahl we made a deal!

Best_Bassist: Did you SERIOUSLY agree to be each other’s slave for a week if you lost Mario Kart?

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Yes, but Cartman cheated so neither of us win

King_Cartman: I DIDN’T CHEAT!

Soccer_Star: Cartman you cheated

Best_Bassist: Does no-one else think that’s weird that they both agreed to be a slave for a week to their arch nemesis?

Clyde_Rulez: was this part of his elaborate scheme to own you?

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Probably

Best_Bassist: Seriously? No-one? They could have made each other do ANYTHING

King_Cartman: Oh shut up Token being a slave for a week isn’t a big deal at least it’s not forever like it was for your people

Best_Bassist: …My people.

Clyde_Rulez: cartman you’re such a racist asshole

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Fucking hell Cartman. And Token I made sure to set some rules before we agreed on the bet, like not being able to make the other person do something illegal etc

_Soccer_Star has removed King_Cartman from the conversation_

Soccer_Star: Fucking asshole

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Not that I disagree with getting rid of the fatass but you do realise he’s going to bug the shit out of us until we add him back in?

Soccer_Star: He can come back when he learns to play nice

Kyle_The_Elf_King: So never then? I’m cool with that

Clyde_Rulez: serves him right no one messes with our Token

Best_Bassist: I mean, I’m not ‘anyones’ Token, but thanks guys

Soccer_Star: It’s alright dude, if you really want the fatass to suffer I can tell Wendy what he said, she’ll roast his ass at school

Kyle_The_Elf_King: She’ll start a full blown riot against him

Clyde_Rulez: yeah stan your girlfriend is terrifying man

Soccer_Star: I know right? It’s so hot

Best_Bassist: Thanks, but I’m okay, I’ve been dealing with Cartman’s comments since we were kids, it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to anymore

Sexy_Beast: why is cartman messaging me whining about you guys being dicks?

Soccer_Star: Read up dude

Sexy_Beast: kay

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Yeah, the dickhead is messaging me now as well

Sexy_Beast: ughhh I’ll tell the child to behave himself brb

Best_Bassist: Guys seriously it’s fine just add him back

Soccer_Star: No he has to learn his lesson

Clyde_Rulez: yeah if we just let him off the hook he’ll never learn

Kyle_The_Elf_King: We’re assuming Cartman is capable of learning to be nice? Because it’d be easier to turn lions into vegetarians than to teach him how not to be a douchebag

_Sexy_Beast added Eric Cartman to the conversation_

_Sexy_Beast set the nickname for Eric Cartman to Humbled_King_Cartman_

Sexy_Beast: cartman don’t you have something to say to token?

Humbled_King_Cartman: Token I’m sorry I hurt your feelings

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Wow

Sexy_Beast: andddd?

Humbled_King_Cartman: Seriously kenny?

Sexy_Beast: seriously

Humbled_King_Cartman: Fine. Token I’m sorry I hurt your feelings and I’ll TRY to refrain from doing so in the future

Soccer_Star: Even I’m shocked

Sexy_Beast: good boy cartman, you can stay

Best_Bassist: Thank you Cartman, I accept your apology, even as forced as it is

Humbled_King_Cartman: Good cause it’s all you’re getting

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Kenny, how long have you been able to do that?

Clyde_Rulez: so I thought kyle was the mom of your group but clearly it’s Kenny

Sexy_Beast: eh I dunno a while I guess

Kyle_The_Elf_King: …And you never thought to use this power before?

Best_Bassist: The ‘mom’ of the group?

Sexy_Beast: I have a few times

Clyde_Rulez: yeah every group has a mom

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You’ve never made him apologize to me before!

Best_Bassist: Really? Then whose ours?

Sexy_Beast: kyle I’m cartmans best friend not a miracle worker

Clyde_Rulez: duh you

Soccer_Star: THESE TWO SEPARATE CONVERSATIONS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME IS CONFUSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Aww poor Stan

Best_Bassist: Wait me?

Clyde_Rulez: yeah you always tell us off when we do stupid shit and you buy us food and stuff

Space_Boy: Yeah you’re the mom

Coffee_Kid: Mhm!

Best_Bassist: I don’t want to be the mom

Space_Boy: Too bad

Coffee_Kid: You’re our mom Token

Best_Bassist: Don’t I get a say in this?

Clyde_Rulez: would you rather be our daddy?

Best_Bassist: ….Mom is fine.

Sexy_Beast: wait if I’m the mom, then whose the daddy? ;)

Kyle_The_Elf_King: I don’t know if any of us are suitable to be the dad of the group

Soccer_Star: Yeah sorry Kenny, looks like you’re a single mom

Coffee_Kid: If it makes you feel any better I th-think Token is too

Coffee_Kid: A s-single mom that is

Best_Bassist: A single mom with you three as my kids? I’m screwed

Space_Boy: Hey at least Kyle and Cartman aren’t your kids

Kyle_The_Elf_King: HEY!

Humbled_King_Cartman: HEY!

Best_Bassist: True

Sexy_Beast: so if me and token are both single moms does that mean we can get together and be two lesbian moms with six kids between us? ;)

Best_Bassist: No.

Space_Boy: If Cartman becomes my step brother I’ll blow up our entire town.

Humbled_King_Cartman: The feelings mutual gayboy

Space_Boy: Can we kick Cartman out of the chat again? It was much more bearable without him in it.

Humbled_King_Cartman: DON’T YOU DARE

_Coffee_Kid has removed Humbled_King_Cartman from the conversation_

Coffee_Kid: There you go babe

Space_Boy: Thanks honey, wanna come over tonight?

Coffee_Kid: S-sure!

Sexy_Beast: can I come? ;)

Space_Boy: No.

Sexy_Beast: :’(


	5. Gay for blondes

Best_Bassist: Breaking news

Best_Bassist: Clyde you owe me $20

Soccer_Star: WOAH WAIT REALLY?

Clyde_Rulez: you’re shitting me

Best_Bassist: Nope. Went over to Craig’s yesterday to pick up my game that I left there and found the three of them on his bed making out.

Clyde_Rulez: pics or it didn’t happen

Best_Bassist: Dude seriously?

Soccer_Star: To be fair you could be bullshitting just to get $20

Space_Boy: He’s not bullshitting.

Sexy_Beast: besides tokens loaded why would he care about $20?

Soccer_Star: HOLY SHIT

Clyde_Rulez: duddddddeeeeeeeeee

Humbled_King_Cartman: Seriously kenny?

Sexy_Beast: yeah baby ;)

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Guess Craig’s got a thing for blondes

Humbled_King_Cartman: Yeah fucked up blondes

Space_Boy: What did you just call Tweek?

Sexy_Beast: heyyy why aren’t you defending me too? :’(

Space_Boy: Because you are fucked up.

Coffee_Kid: To be fair I am fucked up Craig

Coffee_Kid: I mean I have panic attacks on a regular basis and see shit that’s not real ‘cause my parents spiked my coffee with meth for years

Soccer_Star: Wow

Clyde_Rulez: shit just got real

Humbled_King_Cartman: See! Fucked up blondes

Space_Boy: I mean in this town if you’re not fucked up then there’s something wrong with you

Kyle_The_Elf_King: So…you’re saying that if you’re not fucked up you’re fucked up?

Space_Boy: Yes.

Best_Bassist: Seems legit.

Clyde_Rulez: I mean tbh it makes sense that those three got together because besides cartman I think they’re the most fucked up of us

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You’ve got a point, and no-one would ever want to touch Cartman’s fat ass

Humbled_King_Cartman: Hey fuck you jew! Heidi touched my big-boned ass!

Kyle_The_Elf_King: Yeah probably because you blackmailed her

Clyde_Rulez: ‘big-boned ass’

_Space_Boy set the nickname for Humbled_King_Cartman to Big_Boned_Ass_

Big_Boned_Ass: HEY!

_Big_Boned_Ass set the nickname for Space_Boy to Gay_For_Blondes_

Big_Boned_Ass: TAKE THAT!

Gay_For_Blondes: I mean it’s true so I’m not offended

Kyle_The_Elf_King: So we’ve learned that Cartman is shit at not only pick up lines but also insults

Big_Boned_Ass: You want to go again jew? I’ll kick your ass like I did last time

_Sexy_Beast has added Butters Stotch to the conversation_

Kyle_The_Elf_King: You didn’t win last time asshole! I just had to stop to correct your shitty spelling so you knew how much of an idiot you were being!

Big_Boned_Ass: Kenny, what the fuck?

Butters Stotch: Hey there fellas!

_Sexy_Beast set the nickname for Butters Stotch to Another_Blonde_

Best_Bassist: Oh.

Sexy_Beast: there you go craig ;)

Another_Blonde: Not that I’m complaining about being added to your group chat, but why is my nickname ‘another blonde’?

Clyde_Rulez: craig apparently has a thing for blondes

Clyde_Rulez: you’re blonde

Gay_For_Blondes: Butters, I don’t have a thing for you.

Another_Blonde: Oh okay

Sexy_Beast: aw don’t worry butters I have a thing for you ;)

Soccer_Star: You have a thing for EVERYONE Kenny

Clyde_Rulez: yeah kenny you’re kind of a whore

Best_Bassist: ‘kind of’

Big_Boned_Ass: ARE YOU ALL DOING BEING GAY YET SO I CAN KISS KYLE’S ASS?

Sexy_Beast: woah cartman

Another_Blonde: Oh gee I knew Eric liked Kyle but that’s a bit forward

Big_Boned_Ass: KICK* I MEANT KICK!!! DAMN LAPTOP!

Clyde_Rulez: yeah sure you did

Big_Boned_Ass: I MEANT KICK! IT WAS A TYPO!

Best_Bassist: Yeahhh, totally a typo

_Kyle_The_Elf_King has left the conversation_

_Soccer_Star has added Kyle Broflovski_ _to the chat_

Soccer_Star: Don’t you dare run away from this chat

_Clyde_Rulez set the nickname for Kyle Broflovski to You_Can_Never_Leave_

Best_Bassist: Nevveerrrrrrrrr

Gay_For_Blondes: You will go down with this ship

Coffee_Kid: And you can’t put your hands up and surrender

Gay_For_Blondes: There will be no white flags upon your door

Big_Boned_Ass: Could you two be any gayer if you tried?

Gay_For_Blondes: Okay.

Clyde_Rulez: wait what?

Sexy_Beast:

Big_Boned_Ass: DUDE

Gay_For_Blondes: You asked for it.

Big_Boned_Ass: I DIDN’T WANT A PICTURE OF YOU TWO FAGS MAKING OUT

You_Can_Never_Leave: Oh calm down fatass Craig’s finger is covering most of it anyway

Best_Bassist: Because we can never get one nice picture of Craig without him flipping the camera off

Clyde_Rulez: it ruins every group selfie

Gay_For_Blondes: I can’t help it, I see a camera and I must flip it off.

Soccer_Star: Dude you see ANYTHING and you have to flip it off

Coffee_Kid: It’s true he even flips me off

Clyde_Rulez: :O

Gay_For_Blondes: Only when you’re being annoyingly cute

Sexy_Beast: which is all the time

Gay_For_Blondes: Exactly

Big_Boned_Ass: Well I’m gonna go throw up from all the GAY infecting this chat I’ll be back when you want me to KICK your ass again at pick up lines Kahl

Best_Bassist: ‘Kick’

Clyde_Rulez: totally means ‘kick’

Big_Boned_Ass: Fuck all of you fucks


	6. Round three

Big_Boned_Ass: Ready for round three motherfucker?

Big_Boned_Ass: Also

Big_Boned_Ass set their nickname to The_Boss

You_Can_Never_Leave: …Seriously?

You_Can_Never_Leave: Also

You_Can_Never_Leave set their nickname to King_Flirter

The_Boss: …Seriously?

King_Flirter: We doing this or not fatass?

Sexy_Beast: so is like going to be a regular thing because if so imma need to buy more lube

Another_Blonde: Uhhh, what is happening?

Gay_For_Blondes: You’re disgusting Kenny.

Sexy_Beast: you love it ;)

Clyde_Rulez: hah you can’t even deny it now craig

Gay_For_Blondes: Yes, yes I can.

Coffee_Kid: No he can’t

Gay_For_Blondes: Tweek you’re supposed to be on my side

The_Boss: Can you gays shut the fuck up so we can do this?

Coffee_Kid: I am babe but I’m not lying to our friends for you ;)

Soccer_Star: Wait wait wait hold up, did Tweek just WINKY FACE?!?!

Best_Bassist: Shit Kenny must be rubbing off on him

Sexy_Beast: you bet I am baby ;)

Another_Blonde: Can someone please tell me what is going on?

Soccer_Star: Kyle and Cartman have a stupid competition going on at the moment to see who has the best pick up lines and Kyle is way better at it but Cartman isn’t giving up ‘cause he’s Cartman

Sexy_Beast: and tweek, craig and I fucked

Another_Blonde: Oh, okay then? Good for you guys! :)

The_Boss: SERIOUSLY SHUT UP

King_Flirter: Hey Cartman, are you a candle? Because I want to blow you.

Sexy_Beast: oh shit it’s starting

The_Boss: Kahl, your lips look so lonely, would they like to meet mine?

King_Flirter: Did you just ring my doorbell? Well, you can come inside if you want

The_Boss: Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.

King_Flirter: Hey, what’s your name? I need to know what to scream tonight.

The_Boss: Let’s re-enact The Titanic, I’ll be the iceberg and you can go down on me

Soccer_Star: My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Clyde_Rulez: STAN STOP

Best_Bassist: Seriously dude you need to stop

Soccer_Star: …Yeah okay fine I’m shit at this

Gay_For_Blondes: Literally.

Soccer_Star: Fuck off Tucker

King_Flirter: Aww Stan, don’t worry. Tell you what, why don’t you swing by my place and we can watch porn in my mirror?

Sexy_Beast: fuckkk that was smooth

Soccer_Star: …I actually thought that was genuine until I read the porn bit

The_Boss: Shut the fuck up guys I need to win this shit

Best_Bassist: You won’t win

The_Boss: Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.

King_Flirter: Beautiful has a U in it, but “quickie” has U and I together

Sexy_Beast: I need more lube

Soccer_Star: Jesus Christ Kenny

Clyde_Rulez: kyle you need to up the ante before kenny’s dick falls off

Best_Bassist: Can it even be upped?

The_Boss: Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

King_Flirter: You guys asked for it

Sexy_Beast: oh no

King_Flirter: I’m not Rapunzel, but I’ll still let you pull my hair.

The_Boss: Psssh, weeakkk. You know how they say skin is the largest organ on the human body? Not in my case.

King_Flirter: Could you help me stick something down my throat so I can test my gag reflex?

Clyde_Rulez: wow

The_Boss: Is it hot in here or is it just you?

King_Flirter: Wow Cartman, that shirt’s very becoming on you. If I were on you, I’d be coming too.

Best_Bassist: Shittttt boy

The_Boss: Uhh, can I hit you in the face... with my lips?

Soccer_Star: He’s losing it!

King_Flirter: Eric, you look like a hard worker. I have an opening you can fill.

_The_Boss has left the conversation_

Sexy_Beast: yup okay I’m out of lube and out of cum now

Soccer_Star: Damn Kyle

Clyde_Rulez: he’s such a pussy he had to leave instead of just admitting defeat?

Gay_For_Blondes: He probably broke his computer with a full body orgasm.

Best_Bassist: That’s disgusting

Clyde_Rulez: but probably true

Another_Blonde: Uhh fellas, my dad just saw the chat and grounded me so I’m gonna be offline for a few days

Sexy_Beast: aww butters that sucks

Gay_For_Blondes: Probably thought you were reading a porno

King_Flirter: Shit sorry Butters! We’ll see you at school tomorrow though

Another_Blonde: Yeah! See you tomorrow fellas!

King_Flirter: So I guess that settles the debate of who is the best at pick up lines ;)

Soccer_Star: Seriously Kyle where the fuck did all of those come from?

Clyde_Rulez: yeah you’re supposed to be the group nerd not the group slut

Gay_For_Blondes: Yeah that’s Kenny’s job.

Sexy_Beast: ;)

King_Flirter: Hey there’s more to me than just a straight A student guys

Sexy_Beast: yeah what do you guys think he spent all that time in the closet doing? knitting? psssh nah our baby kyle is a dirty boy

King_Flirter: Okay well first of all I’m not ‘your baby’ and second of all yes, yes I am ;)

Soccer_Star: Fuck Kyle

Clyde_Rulez: soooo should we add cartman back in or not?

Coffee_Kid: We-we should probably give him a day or two to retreat and lick his wounds

Sexy_Beast: or lick something else ;)

Sexy_Beast: but yeah he’ll just message me when he wants back in anyway

King_Flirter: Okay cool, well I’ve got to study for that chemistry test on Friday

Clyde_Rulez: oh shit

Soccer_Star: Fuck the test!

Best_Bassist: Dammit.

Coffee_Kid: AH THE TEST OH NO I FORGOT I’M TOTALLY GONNA FAIL IT AND THEN BECOME A HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT AND I’LL END UP HOMELEESS ON THE STREETS AND I’LL PROBABLY GET SOLD INTO SLAVERY OR OVERDOSE OR SOMETHING FUCKKKK

Gay_For_Blondes: Tweek, honey, chill, you can come study with me

Coffee_Kid: OKAY I’M ON MY WAY NOW

Gay_For_Blondes: Yes Kenny, you can come too, but we’re going to be STUDYING.

Sexy_Beast: I’ll be there in ten ;)

Gay_For_Blondes: S T U D Y I N G


	7. K-I-S-S-I-N-G

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More breaking news is revealed ;)

Clyde_Rulez: BREAKING NEWS

Best_Bassist: What?

Clyde_Rulez: KYLE AND CARTMAN SITTING ON A FIELD, K I S S I N G

Sexy_Beast: woah

Soccer_Star: No way, you’re fucking with us

Clyde_Rulez: nuh uh

Best_Bassist: Pics or it didn’t happen

Clyde_Rulez: 

Best_Bassist: ….You actually took a picture

Soccer_Star: AHHH MY EYES I NEED TO BURN THEM

Clyde_Rulez: you guys wouldn’t have believed me if I didn’t

Best_Bassist: True.

Coffee_Kid: W-well I guess they finally fucked it out of their s-system?

Gay_For_Blondes: Kyle I just lost every ounce of respect I once held for you.

Another_Blonde: Hey! I think it’s real sweet that those two finally got together, good for you guys! :)

Sexy_Beast: yeah I agree with butters

Sexy_Beast: though I don’t think ‘sweet’ is the word I’d use for it

King_Flirter: Clyde you are no longer my friend.

The_Boss: Come on Kahl they were gonna find out eventually, get the sand out of your vagina

Soccer_Star: ….EVENTUALLY!?!

Sexy_Beast: how long have you two been fucking?

The_Boss: Well we’ve been fucking since the whole Mario kart slave thing ‘cause kyle was being a little bitch and we were arguing and then we were kissing

Best_Bassist: Wait really? How does arguing even turn into kissing?

Sexy_Beast: pretty easily actually

Gay_For_Blondes: It’s the best way to shut someone up.

Coffee_Kid: Yeah Craig and Kenny always end up kissing when they argue

Soccer_Star: SINCE MARIO KART?!?! THAT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO

Clyde_Rulez: but wait if you got together two weeks ago then why do you two shitheads always argue all the time still?

King_Flirter: Okay first of all we didn’t get together two weeks ago, we were in the middle of arguing when Cartman decided to make out with me and we ended up fucking

Sexy_Beast: I think that counts as ‘getting together’

The_Boss: I think the jew is referring to when we agreed to be boyfriends on Wednesday as us ‘getting together’

Soccer_Star: BOYFRIENDS

Coffee_Kid: I th-think you broke Stan

Gay_For_Blondes: I think it’s the thought of Cartman pounding Kyle’s ass that’s broken him.

Soccer_Star: SHWFHWSGJHGSHHFFA

Another_Blonde: Clyde has a point though, why do you fellas still fight all the time?

Best_Bassist: RIP Stan

King_Flirter: Just because we’re dating now doesn’t make Cartman any less of an asshole

The_Boss: Or Kyle any less of a little bitch

King_Flirter: Fuck you Cartman

The_Boss: Other way round ;)

Best_Bassist: Well that’s going to take some getting used to

Gay_For_Blondes: Yeah, I think I’m going to be sick

The_Boss: HAH PAYBACK FAGGOT

Clyde_Rulez: dude you can’t rip on people for being gay anymore now

The_Boss: And why not?

Clyde_Rulez: ….because you’re gay

The_Boss: I’m not gay

Best_Bassist: Dude, you’re fucking a guy. You’re gay.

The_Boss: I’m not homosexual, I’m kylesexual

Gay_For_Blondes: Yup okay I’ll be in the toilet throwing up if anyone needs me.

Clyde_Rulez: wtf cartman?

Best_Bassist: That’s not a thing.

The_Boss: Yeah it is, I don’t want to fuck anybody except Kahl

King_Flirter: ….I know I shouldn’t be but I’m oddly flattered by that

Sexy_Beast: at least you know he’s loyal

Coffee_Kid: I th-think it’s kinda cute

Another_Blonde: So do I!

Best_Bassist: Stan hasn’t said anything since he mashed the keyboard, I think I’m going to go and check that he’s not died from a heart attack or something

Clyde_Rulez: i’ll come with I left my coat at his the other day

Best_Bassist: Okay I’ll pick you up in ten

Sexy_Beast: hey tweekers can I come over to yours? my parents are fighting again and karen’s sleeping at a friends tonight

Coffee_Kid: Y-yeah of course! Craig you wanna come too?

Gay_For_Blondes: Yeah I’ll be there in 5

Coffee_Kid: C-cool! I’ll go tell my parents

The_Boss: Huh, looks like it’s just us Kahl ;)

King_Flirter: Asshole. You left your hat at mine by the way.

The_Boss: I was wondering where it went! Shoulda know the jew had stolen it

King_Flirter: I didn’t STEAL it fatass, you left it here!

The_Boss: Yeah yeah sure thing Kaahhhlllllll

King_Flirter: …You gonna come over and get it then or not?

The_Boss: Oh, I’ll come get it alright. Leave your window ajar.

King_Flirter: Don’t tell me what to do.

The_Boss: You love it.

King_Flirter: FUCK NO I DON’T

The_Boss: Hmm, that’s not what you were saying the other night ;)

King_Flirter: CARTMAN YOU ASSHOLE OUR FRIENDS CAN SEE THIS

The_Boss: Oh I know, that’s what makes it even more fun :D

The_Boss: I’ll be at yours in like two minutes

Another_Blonde: Uhhhh….fellas?

Another_Blonde: Anyone?

Another_Blonde: Dammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this might be the last chapter, it probably will be unless I spew out more weird crap next time I can't sleep, but this feels like a good place to end it for now, so, thank you so much to everyone who commented on this, you're all so amazing! <3
> 
> Until next time guys ;)
> 
> Credit for the photo goes to YouTubers Jace and Oli, with their amazing cosplay, here's the link to the image: https://orig00.deviantart.net/f898/f/2018/012/6/e/kyman_kissing_by_xjobozx-dbzs4uk.png


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